I knew there was a universe in which cluelessness festered untreated, but when I found “When is Cinco de Mayo?” among the most frequently Googled searches, I had to face my own cyber innocence. I Googled Google searches and found more, much more, than I had feared.

We’ll get to the many disturbing searches regarding personal health and hygiene, but let’s jump right into murder and mayhem. 

In the best of mystery novels, a killer evades detection for several hundred pages, the brilliant sleuth trailing the malefactor to his lair in the last chapter. Apparently not the case out here with actual humans. To say that murderers in real life are occasionally witless is to understate the stunning ineptitude of more than several who have turned to Google for help in stumping (sorry) the law. Several years ago my kids and I  joked about the “What size wood chipper do I need for human bones?” murder, but a recent and fairly local grotesquerie  added heft and weight (sorry) to the body (sorry) of information available to even the least discerning of homicide investigators.

Brian Walshe would have been the primary suspect in the murder of his wife in Cohasset, Massachusetts even had he not Googled his way into conjecture. His character had already been established when he was caught in a fairly transparent art scam, stealing a real Warhol painting from a friend and attempting to sell a fake on ebay. Times were tough for Brian; he was headed to prison and needed a quick infusion of cash to keep the wheels of justice clogged. His wife was last seen on New Year’s Day in 2023, her remains still not found, and Brian was counting the days until insurance policies paid off.

Remains still not found, but investigators thought there might be a clue in  Walshe’s search history. Twenty searches were entered on January 1st; these are among the most particular.:

“How long before a body starts to smell?”

“10 ways to dispose of a dead body if you really need to.”

“How long for someone to be missing to inherit?”

“Can you throw away body parts?”

“Hacksaw best tool to dismember?”

The other 15 are equally stunning, but there is something disarming (sorry) about the “…if you really need to.” Not just because a dead body is a messy encumbrance, you understand, but because in some instances, under certain circumstances, you REALLY need to ditch a corpse. 

I was also struck by the economy of “Hacksaw best tool to dismember?”.

Pithy. 

 I was tempted to search for other tools when one really needs to dispose of the … uh … you know, but figure that a quick perusal of my own search history would then include, “Anything better than a hacksaw to dismember?” or the more specific,  “I can’t find a hacksaw at my local hardware store. Is lye as good if you have a body you really need to ditch?”

Many of Walshe’s questions might have been answered in a word or two. Simple “Yes”, “No”, “Try lye” responses.

 “Can you throw away body parts”, however, seems to demand more detailed information. Does every state or municipality have the same regulations with regard to recycling limbs and organs? Do limbs go to one pile and organs to another? And then, there’s the How To element necessary for the novice. No, a written response is inadequate. What’s called for is a plodding, self-congratulatory YouTube Do-It-Yourself tutorial. I picture a garage, plastic sheeting,cheerful voice-over, and the Hobart 6614-2 meat saw.

Enough of this ghoulish nonsense! Let’s see what’s on America’s mind.

“What to do if a dolphin wants to mate with me”. 

OK, fair enough. I have no advice.

There are a number of searches that fall into the “Who would win…” category, some of which are clearly poorly thought out. “Who would win if Batman fought Superman?”, for example, ignores the reality that one works in a cave, drives a car (pretty great ride, but still), and is human, whereas the other is (mostly) invulnerable, has super strength, ray gun vision, and can fly. 

Batman is the subject of another question that had me lost in thought for a while. I’m particularly fond of search questions that open doorways of the mind. How does this person see the world? Is a circuit missing, a basic premise overlooked, alternate reality at work?

The question: “If both of Batman’s parents are dead, then how was he born?”

Uh … where does one begin? Actually, it is the combative force of the intrusion of the word  “then” in the question that gives me pause. This is not an innocent question; there’s an agenda here. If … then. It’s a “gotcha!” question. 

To continue.

“Am I a sociopath?” Hey, I’m no psychiatrist, but if you have to ask …

“Why is my poop green?”

No, I get this one.

It’s midnight, who you gonna call? Nudge a sleeping partner and try to ease a conversation toward a recent and alarming discovery? Wait until morning and check the tint? With whom? This is not an office water cooler question. This is not a waiting-in-line at Starbucks conversation. Interrupt a physician busily saving children’s lives with what may be nothing more than a passing (sorry) anomaly? No way. Let the internet handle this one. 

“Why does Donald Duck come out of a shower wearing a towel if he doesn’t usually wear pants?” 

Exactly! Who hasn’t had the same question?

 Let’s leave aside the reality that there is no answer unless we believe that a Disney animator somewhere has a conviction about duck modesty with regard to showering. 

Donald is not the only puzzling semi-nudist cartoon figure. How many of your conversations at  dinner parties or teacher conferences have been elevated by identifying cartoon characters who get away with going pantless or topless year after year? Mickey Mouse wears pants; pants are not unknown in the fictive world in which Donald, Chip, Dale and countless others carry out their daily routine. To further confuse the issue, Donald wears a hat and a tie, Bugs Bunny wears gloves, Yogi Bear, a hat. Porky the Pig wears a sports jacket unbuttoned, displaying his endearing pinkness.  Winnie the Pooh? Nada. 

With some trepidation, I cite a search concerning human costumery.

 “Was Sarah Palin a bear, a beaver, or an otter when appearing on The Masked Singer?” 

Once again, the inquiring mind is probably best served by calling up the video of the former Vice Presidential candidate’s performance, in which she, as a bear, “rapped” Baby Got Back. by Sir Mix-a-Lot. Imagine how unfortunate it might have been had she not been costumed as a bear.

In a curious bit of synchronicity, I have a semi-personal connection with at least one musician who also covered the song. “Baby Got Back”, was featured in an episode of Glee in 2013, not performed by a cast member but by Jonathan Coulton, who had recorded a lyrical version accompanied by acoustic guitar. Turns out Couton hadn’t agreed to have his version broadcast, was miffed, and sued Fox TV. Coultan couldn’t get no satisfaction, but released the song again on Itunes as “Glee’s cover of my cover of a Sir-Mix-a-Lot’s song”. 

Coulton is best known as a composer in the genre known as “geek rock”, most currently celebrated for his work on the stage version of SpongeBob musical. He made a living composing music for video games (Portal and Portal 2) and has released a number of albums including Smoking Monkeys and Artificial Heart. Knowing nothing of his career, but knowing he was a Whiffenpoof, I contacted Coulter in 2012 as I did some (10 minutes) research while writing A Whiff of Murder, a thoroughly unnecessary novel combining the history of Yale’s premier acapella singing group, The Whiffenpoofs, and a poorly conceived murder mystery. I’d heard one of Coulton’s songs, “The Future Soon” sung by another acapella group he’d belonged to and was hooked. It’s a lyrically evocative semi-lovesong, delivered by a shunned suitor planning to convert himself into a robot.

“Here on Earth they’ll wonder

As I piece by piece replace myself

And the steel and circuits will make me whole

But I’ll still feel so alone

Until Laura calls me home.”

A geek rock Whiffenpoof was exactly what I needed to flesh out the novel, so I called Coulton and heard his voice … on a machine.

How did I get here?

Oh, yes, mockery of other people’s ill-conceived searching. This, from the author of Side Effects May Include Astral Sex and OtherObservations from the Pandemic, Climate Death, and Cultural Meltdown.

People in glass houses, etc.