I’ll admit I miss the good old days – rule of law, balance of powers, constitutional protection of civil liberty – but times change and we must change with them. I get it. The outdated measures by which national leadership was once determined have been replaced by flashpoint identification; to be successful, a candidate has to be simultaneously larger than life and immediately accessible. Moderation and subtlety no longer survive in the political marketplace.
That being the case, the only truly viable unifying candidacies I now understand have to come from the ranks of the celebrated.
My kids grew up with Arnold Schwarzenegger as Governator of their state, my in-laws with Jesse “The Body” Ventura as governor of theirs, and nobody I knew ended up being waterboarded, so my modest proposal is that we stop bloodying the perfectly nice people who contend for the Democratic Party’s nomination, read the tea leaves, smell the coffee, get off the pot, and pick any one of a thousand perfectly acceptable celebrities as the last hope for unifying a nation seemingly immune to reason and reasonability.
I am aware of the difficulty in electing a woman and person of color to the highest office, a stretch in some quadrants, so I regretfully withdraw Oprah, Beyonce, and J Lo. An older woman? Impossible. Bye bye, Ruth Bader Ginsberg. Lesbian? Mmmm …probably not. Sorry, Ellen. Taylor Swift? Too young? Too tall?
An older Jewish Woman? Ordinarily a three strike long shot, but, America’s favorite older Jewish woman, multi millionaire, Judith Susan Blum Scheindlin? Judge Judy? Now we’re talking.
Not only is Judge Judy on the air virtually around the clock, days and weekends, across every time zone and zip code, she is unfailingly feisty, smart, and outspoken; there are no down days for Judge Judy. Some might find her a bit acerbic, and in days of yore her barbed comments might have been seen as unseemly, but the gloves in politics have been off for at least four years, and as a nation we have become accustomed to a healthy diet of vitriol and snark. To her great credit, Judge Judy doesn’t tweet at the unfortunate slag bags who clutter her courtroom; she dishes up pithy assessment of character in the moment, in the clear cast of daylight.
“I eat morons like you for breakfast. You’re going to be crying before this is over.”
That is the voice of a take charge leader, cutting to the chase and expressing her disdain with personal and grammatical certainty. Not only has she identified the moron, she promises exactly the sort of outcome even a moron can understand.
Does this seasoned jurist know how to deliver a punch? Indeed she does:
“Beauty fades. Dumb is forever.”
Forever. Forever. Try to walk that one off!
Brevity may be the soul of wit, but politics has been witless for a very long time, so let’s allow the judge the full range of expression in setting her agenda:
“I want first time offenders to think of their first appearance in my courtroom as the second worst experience in their lives. Circumcision being the worst.”
Yes, the judge can be harsh in her assessment of the feckless clowns who clutter her courtroom, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Those of us who treasure Judge Judy’s no nonsense jurisprudence applaud her calling a rat bag landlord a rat bag; the scoundrels who come before her gavel deserve every scornful riposte she can deliver, and compared to the spit laden invective flying out of the White House on an hourly basis, Judy’s scolding is charmingly tame.
Judge Judy is the 48th richest self-made woman in America. Ding. Ding. and Ding.
Judy pulls down almost a million dollars a day for the fifty two days in which she films the year’s two hundred and sixty episodes, so she clearly belongs in the company of those for whom the thankless job of running the nation would be a cut in salary. In fact, given the compression of that filming schedule, she could easily keep her day job while hauling us back into good behavior in her well organized two terms.
No need for debate. Time to get behind a candidate that bring order to the court!