Let’s be clear. This site continues to celebrate delicacy of language and moderation in all things, but, inevitably, a truly distinctive instrument of discrimination demands clarity, and so, recognizing that some opinions leave no room for debate, I pass along the useful division of all observable living things into the category of A**hole or Creep. I’m not comfortable using the asterisk or “little star” as a glyph replacing two letters; it seems a bit precious. For the purpose of discretion and convenience as well as brevity then, we’ll attempt to discriminate between two prominent sorts of life forms: Holes and Creeps.
Holes, as you will immediately intuit, are annoying, insensitive, egotistical, thoughtless, and often mean spirited. For the purpose of dividing the world in twain, I’ll also add too loud, too close, too persistent, and too physical.
Creeps, on the other hand, come in many odious flavors and sizes. We identify a creep as someone who causes us to feel deeply uncomfortable, who makes our flesh start to crawl. Creepiness comes from physical issues, lingering touches, unfortunate smells, but primarily from an unarticulated sense that danger may be near.
So, if the Hole is overt, the Creep is covert. The Hole says unforgivably offensive things; the Creep posts them anonymously. The Hole takes something that belongs to you; the Creep puts something in your drink.
Dogs are Holes. You may not want the half-chewed gopher Barkley brings to the picnic, but gopher delivery is pretty much assured and expected of any dog within range of a gopher. Dog behavior is straightforward, unmistakable, and unapologetic. The thinking process of dogs is unfailingly transparent and usually involves eating something vile.
Cats are Creeps. In the first place, who has any idea what cats think? What thought process causes a cat to leave six beheaded mice on a kid’s pillow? Where are the heads? I spend sleepless nights worrying about what I may find in my sock drawer. A cat purrs, rubs its entire length against the human eager to offer a comforting scratch of ears or stomach, only to uncoil without warning, claws unsheated, teeth bared, leaving scars on flesh and psyche.
And humans? Obviously, struggles for power bring out Holism and Creepiness. I would like to talk about the two categories in political circles without ruffling contemporary sensibilities, and so, turn to two personalities from recent history who offer more than enough grist for this mill.
Lyndon B. Johnson, for example, was an effective politician for a great many years. His brand of personal politics often included high volume showers of vituperation upon perceived enemies, arm-twisting, and thinly veiled intimidation. The two images below put him squarely in the company of Holes; there are photo opportunities that speak volumes.
Rumors had been circulating that Johnson had undergine surgury for cancer rather than for the removal of his gall bladder. To end speculation, Johnson lifted his shirt and displayed his scars. Too much? Not entirely presidential? Up close, entirely too personal, and in your face? Holic choices all.
Fond of dogs, Johnson had a series of beagles, two of whom accompanied him to the White House. The pair, regretably named “Him” and “Her”, often accompanied Johnson on walks, allowing photographers to pose Johnson with the dogs. In an attempt to show how pleased he was with “Him” and with his signature baying howl, Johnson pulled the dog’s ears for what he took to be an admiring crowd. Again, over the top. Totally misreading the sensibilities of dog lovers everywhere. Didn’t get it. Typical Hole behavior.
Equally celebrated, Richard Nixon was widely described as a Creep, hence the sobriquet, ‘Tricky Dicky’, a title he earned during his days as a congressman making good use of the House Un-American Activities Committee hearings to further his own career. Later, after having served as Vice-President, he took on John F. Kennedy, the young and fresh-faced Senator from Masschusetts, in a series of televised debates that further accentuated his general shiftiness. In this case, it was his appearance and mannerisms that bellowed creepiness; television accentuated the difference between a poised and polished Kennedy and a sweat-stained, poorly shaven, fumbling Nixon.
Successful in his next bid for the presidency and determined to win re-election by any means possible, Nixon recruited clandestine operatives who stealthily carried out a series of “dirty tricks” which have become the stuff of political legend. Among the intiatives was the burglery of the Democratic National Committee Headquarters in the Watergate office complex. Nixon was less than truthful throughout the subsequent governmental inquiries, famous for defending himself by saying, “…people have to know that their president is a crook. Well, I’m not a crook.” The wheels of justice turned slowly but finally brought enough presidential creepiness to light that Nixon was forced to resign from office. ‘Well, I’m not a crook” rings through the ages as the Creep’s anthem.
OK, enough high-minded, politically safe posturing about Holes and Creeps. Time to take a stand. Off with the gloves!
Batman vs Superman.
What could be a more dramatic vindication of this bifurcation of character than a clear difference between the Man of Steel and the Dark Knight? The recent release of Dawn of Justice in which a snarling Batman was pitted against a truculent Superman was apparently intended as the ultimate clash of cultural icons but lacked impact becuse one was such a Hole and the other such a Creep.
Bitter human orphan vs grandiose alien orphan? Really? In what universe does Batman vs Superman make sense? The Bat-a-rang vs laser eyes? The jet powered Batmobile vs the ability to fly faster than the speed of light, causing the reversal of the earth’s orbit so as to reverse time? Pretty obvious mismatch, but there is some gold to be mined in this pairing, for, as I bet you have guessed, one of these characters is an indelible Hole, and the other a relentless Creep.
Not much mystery here. If you have not yet accessed the painfully accurate website, http://www.superdickery.com/tag/superman-is-a-dick/, please hang on for a wild ride. With super power comes superdickery, but, to give the big guy some slack, large gestures are often misunderstood. At the very least, even with the palpably transparent “secret” identity (I can’t recognize him without glasses!), Superman is an unapologetically large, brilliantly costumed, cleft-chinned openly alien agent, operating in full daylight. He makes mistakes, to be sure, but the mistakes superpowered Holes are wont to make, although he can, on occasion, summon his inner creep.
Batman lives in a cave, drops from the sky in the dead of night, dresses in black, writhes in self-tortured identity crisis, can’t maintain a relationship with anyone but his servant, and may be the single most humorless creature ever to claim human speech. His career, his life, is dedicated to bringing pain to the afflicted, most of whom escape from the Elizabeth Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Inssane on a regular basis. To hark back to an earlier post, Batman resembles the petulant Achilles, sulking in his tent until moved to violence in order to avenge the death of Patroclus. A little creepy as is Batman’s relationship with Robin.
Finally, I encourage any who stumble upon this atricle to make your own determination as to the category into which characters should be placed.
Hillary and Trump?
Yankees and Red Sox?
Zombies and clowns?
Jim Harbaugh and Urban Meyer?
Laverne Cox and Caitlyn Jenner?
Amy Schumer and Tina Fey?
Oprah and Ellen?
Babe Ruth and Ty Cobb?
LeBron and Steph?
New York and LA?
Nominations happily encouraged. Operators are standing by to take your calls.