The Republican Party has opted not to present a platform this time around, which would seem a serious tactical error in any other season, but in this curious chapter of the nation’s history is not even a blip on the screen.
“Platform? We don’t need no stinkin’ Platform!”
And, in fact, they don’t.
The Democratic Party does have a platform with all the usual pie-in-the-sky, socialistic, crime inspiring, nation crushing blather about protecting Americans from Covid-19, building a stronger and fairer economy, achieving universal health care, reforming the criminal justice system, combating the climate crisis, creating a 21st Century immigration system, providing quality education to every zip code, renewing America’s leadership in global affairs, and healing the soul of the nation. Not in the actual platform, but pretty much a given among most Democrats is the expectation that the party still believes in science, the First Amendment (and it may have to be said, the entire Constitution), adherence to the laws of the land, and not colluding with foreign powers for personal or political gain, and in governing the Republic.
Apparently just not very interesting.
The wrinkle, perhaps, is that when one candidate holds nothing back in promoting himself as a strong man willing to eat those who fail to knuckle under, the other candidate, acting with moderation and the sort of composure we used to expect from those who spend a lifetime in pubic service, is made out to be sleepy. It’s a tough sell. We like bright shiny things, sparkle, glitter and tinsel. Fireworks. Oh, and train wrecks.
So, just to level the playing field, here are five unstated policy initiatives that flamed between the lines at the RNC Convention.
- The formal establishment of the Trump family dynasty begins with reelection in 2020, the repealing of the 22nd Amendment (sets term limits for the presidency), and coronation at the end of the fourth term, at which point, Trump will be 86 and still the most physically fit president of all time.
- New Cabinet departments acting in the executive branch of government will include Director of Media Punishment, Director of Hotel and Resort Reservations, Director of Athlete Behavior, Director of Hair and Makeup, and Wall Czar.
- The creation of a National Task Force on the use of Cleaning Products as alternative to universal health care.
- Creation of National Bureaus of Anarchist Investigation (NBAI), Bad People Investigation(NBBPI), and Democrats Eating Babies Investigation (NBDEBI).
- Federal mandate against the term “Climate Change” and conscription of Smokey Bear and Woodsy the Owl in campaign to end climactic speculation. The lyrics of “The Ballad of Woodsy Owl” will have to change of course, but the crack team of presidential advisors is already hard at work on revision- the current and proposed versions are presented below:
“Smokey Bear has got a pal who is always on the prowl
Woodsy is his name, you know.
he’s the anti-pollution owl.”
To be replaced by:
“Smokey Bear is mining coal
to beat those solar blues
and Woodsy’s brand new pipeline
goes right through Santa Cruz.
Even the most thoughtfully crafted party platforms tend to get lost in the frenzy of the first months following an election, but in this case, the unarticulated may have more punch. Actions carry considerable force in an era of alternate facts, ok, alternate realities. Let’s just wait and see.